1- The Suit.
Millions of them. Sure it's London I hear you say, but no, in this city these people are a different breed. Their hair looks 10% more coiffured than a suit outside London, the tailored suit looks more expensive than everything I own combined and they appear to have more new pairs of footwear than a premier league footballer.
2 - Loud Tourist.
You're off to see The Houses of Parliament, we get it. These people are the real reason everyone wears headphones on the Underground.
3 - Person Carrying Unreasonable Load.
I've actually seen a guy with a full length set of ladders get on at Holborn in the middle of the day. Dude, get a mate to give you a lift or something, cos you've just nearly taken a suits head off with those 15 foot steps.
4 - Drunk Chatty Twat.
It might be Tuesday afternoon but they have been drinking by the river since 10.30am and just want to be friends with everyone on the Jubilee line. DO NOT make direct eye contact and keep your headphones firmly on your head.
5 - Tablet Friend.
Sit next them, they have a small TV that you don't have to hold, simple. Nicking an earphone is generally a step too far but at least you might get to watch 15 minutes of Family Guy or The Big Bang Theory on your commute home. If they try and tilt the screen away from you then follow them with your head, make sure they know you're in this together.